Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Ridding myself of the awful past.

Faces
Places
Spaces
Chases
Laces
Races
Vases
Bases
Paces
Cases
Traces
Maces
Quantum mechanics
.

One of these things doesn't fit here,
And neither do you, anymore.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Memories that play across the eyelids like silent films.

I'm with you through the grass plains
And the patches of bramble
Where we get tangled up into each other
Because that's what I promised.
& if I break mine, there's no need to expect for
You to keep yours, or keep me,
Or keep the memories.
The ones that bind,
Boa Constrictor grip around my neck,
Choking out the breath and tears.
I remember:
You said my eyes were more beautiful than ever
When oceans fell from them.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Family.

I can't tell you about Jared,
Or why what happened mattered so much.
I have no good explanation for why I quit school,
Just a million mediocre ones.
I can't tell you that the Earth-shaking silence
Of the past months
(From so many different people)
Has put me in a place far beyond the reaches of
Caring about myself
Or how this streak of bad luck
That is the past 6 months of my life
Was brought on by decisions I, myself, made.
I can blame it on everyone else to your face.

What I can tell you, though,
Is that I'm doing okay.
Because, despite everything,
I'm alright.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Jared.

Before you, there was something....else
Someone else;
Everything else.
But my mind won't grasp the concept
Of moving straight-forward
Of telling you, or anyone, what happened
When I'm living in nightmares
About Jared and what I did to him
Or what he said I did.
I'm lost in dreams and I'm so afraid
To go back to sleep...
I just want to tell someone,
But I can't.
Not while I'm so damn afraid to speak.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

3rd time in the past year.

Moving is easy
Especially when staying is the hard part
And running is simple
When you're chasing nothing but
Cracked dreams that know they're barely substance.
I finally understand what he said
When he left
How everything was a failed experiment
And how maybe things get better
If everything else falls apart first.
But he was wrong
Because the brokeness hangs thick
When you're alone at night.
And I can't run when moving means change;
Not when staying means that things
Could possibly stay the same.

Friday, October 21, 2011

The truth always outs itself.

Just tell me it's okay,
Even if it's lies
Because hearing you say those words
Is the only way I'm falling asleep tonight.
And when my world is crumbling down,
Hold me fast and tight
Because when nothing else can hold me up
You're gonna have to be the one
To make me alright.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Too young to feel this way.

I don't quite know what I'm doing:
I'm roaming, looking for a niche
To claim as my own.
I'm sick of living on the edge of my own life,
Dodging experience; ready to flee
In the blink of an eye.
And I'm on the brink of a
Breakdown
Because I can't separate
Between fact and fiction
And there's no distinction between days
When they're all the same.
It's all a weight:
A blur of work and sleep
And sometimes being awake enough
To worry about my ever-approaching
Expiration dates.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Save me?

I'm beginning to think
Dark shadow figures are
Tricking me
Even in reality;
I'm starting to hate myself,
And that'll lead to worse.

Friday, October 14, 2011

It's been almost a month, and you still haunt me.

I think I still love you,
Even after you threw me into a pit of
Fiery self-blame for
Actions that were entirely selfish.
(I didn't force your hands and throat to act on impulse)
But the blissful ignorance of childhood
Is gone
And you're no longer a Hercules-like God:
You're not so strong as I once
Made you out to be.
I've learned that loving you blindly
Is akin to holding favor with a demon;
You'll take a stab as soon as my back's turned
And blame it all on me.
Because your actions obviously had nothing to do
With my decisions:
You're innocent.
Yeahhhh, right.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Paranoid Fears

My watches are always hours off,
And if I believed in symbols; signs,
I'd say that meant something.
But it doesn't,
And I can't tell time anyway.
All I know is that every second
Is another second of waiting
For something to happen.

I think I'm supposed to meet someone soon,
Someone who's to change my life
For better or worse.
I might've already met him,
And he just hasn't realized, yet, that I'm the one
He's been looking forward to.

I want to be someone's breath of fresh air,
An ear to all their troubles
But I can't get my mouth to speak to people.
I'm so afraid the horrors of the past 19 years
Will leak out
And ruin everything again.

Monday, October 10, 2011

the Past, the Present, and the Pretense of feelings.

& I'm listening to Jack's Mannequin,
Blink;
Singing the songs that used to paint our nights
Together.
Attempting to piece back together a puzzle
Of tears and aches,
Heartbreak and lies;
Trying to make sense of all the spider webs that still tie
Us to each other.
"Oh what tangled webs
We weave"
Has never made more sense
Than right now
And trying to extract myself
Is proving to be a difficult task,
Especially when I can't interpret the intentions
Of others.

& everyone hurts someone,
Even when they don't try.
Because you remind me of everyone else
Scarier: you remind me of myself;
If I don't understand the way I tick
I'll never be able to diffuse the bomb that is you.
Waiting to explode at any second,
And you're more than willing
To drag other people down too.
Including me.

& I think I like it,
That's what's awful.
And I think I like you,
But I've never been good
At separating feelings
From force.
I could, I know that,
But I've failed at everything else.
So why even try?
"Loving someone
Is jumping into a pool full
Of glass shards
& expecting not to get cut up."
But you always do,
And there aren't enough bandaids in the world
To cover all the wounds.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Past habits repeat and form new addictions.

I've been researching perfection
Using my own body.
How far can I stretch the limits
Of my skin
Over worn out bones?
So used,
It's sad
But necessary.
And every inch and pound gone
Is like a weight being lifted.
"Are you trying to get smaller?"
No, I'm just trying not to eat...
As much.
And I'm living on coffee;
Nicotine -
It's just like high school.
Only this time,
No one's noticed a thing.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Someone needs to come piece me back together so I can go ahead and shatter again.

How many "rock bottom"s can there be
Until I break even
And things just climb up?
I've hit so many
That even a painstaking crawl towards sunlight
Would suffice.
But I get nothing,
And Hattiesburg is quickly becoming
My own failed experiment.
Like his:
Except I've no one to run to
And no one to cover my expenses.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Calender days dripping away, and college is a bad nightmare blur.

There is no pain,
Just weakness that leaves the body
And I've got plenty
But I pretend I'm alright.
And I lie to him
And her
And my friends
About how well I'm doing in school,
At work,
I'm making friends,
But it's more like I'm adding to a collection
Of has-beens.
And my mind is tabula rasa blank,
Because John Locke was right
And I'm getting facts messed up
When everything used to be so organized
And there are no more light bulbs going off
Or ideas blazing
Because they're all in pieces on the floor
And I'm expected to sweep them up,
But it's not simply because I'm a woman:
It's because it's what I've always done before.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Flowers.

It's October already,
But this morning felt like late November
Of last year.
Almost exactly like the first time I came to Hattiesburg
To see Zac romantically, a way in which I never thought I would.
And my first cigarette of the day tasted like the first ride up here
When an old friend said:
"You know, you jump around a lot"
Because, in the beginning of my reputation's end
I'd almost ended up with him.
And I knew he held everything he'd heard against me,
But I fought the statement valiantly:
"I'm just trying to prove that you men aren't all the same," I said as the moonlight played
Shadows on my tired face, and my cigarette burned brightly in the passenger seat of the Caddie,
"judging by experience, it seems that you all want the same thing."
He asked what that thing was, already knowing my answer
And I told him what had happened to me
The first
Second, third
Every time;
I told him the line that has become my slogan,
My fall-back answer for why I don't date:
"I'm good enough to sleep with, yes,
But to commit to? Never."
No one wants to spend an eternity,
Or even a false-promise of forever
With me.
That's okay, though, because that's not quite what I'm looking for.


I just want something to settle into for a little while,
And if it happens to turn into quite a while,
Or even a long time,
You won't find me complaining
At all.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

What's the opposite of retrospect? Foresight or foreshadowing?

I'm constantly broke
And weird
And a bit of a pain in the ass.
I bite
And scream:
Pretty,
Obscene.
I'm up and down, a roller-coaster
With no end in sight,
I fight battles knowing I can't ever win.
Sometimes I can't get out of bed,
Especially when it's stormy
Because I hate thunder
And the power it holds over me.
I say things I can't explain, sometimes
And I'm incredibly shy, to an extent...


But if you're okay
With all of these things
Then you might just be worth the risk.

J.S.

Music reminds me of you
And certain songs are triggers
(I've figured that out, at least)
The nightmares came back the moment
I tried to sleep in my own bed again.
Why did I even answer that phone call?
4 AM on an already shitty night
And you called to say goodbye
For the last time;
We cried.

It wasn't my fault,
I didn't push you over the edge:
You took a running leap,
Away from me.
But you're still alive
(am I the reason for that?)
And you still haunt me
(I want to help you)
I was one of the reasons
(yet all I did was hurt you).

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Back in Town.

I've never been thirstier
For the company of others;
I'm rejuvenated,
Reinvigorated.
After a week of being away
From cares, worries, and obligations
I'm ready to dive in head-first,
To forgive the bullshit of a boy,
To go out and see places,
People,
DO things instead of just sit home
And wallow.
It's amazing,
All it took was an adventure,
A reminder,
A dose of what I used to have
To show me all that I COULD have.


Hattiesburg, USM, Best Buy,
Be ready.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Eat.

I was tired
So I got on a plane
And I flew away.
It was that simple:
Get in, get sick, get out.
White sands and blue waters await;
My feet are itching for new paces
On foreign pavements
And I know he'll miss me
Because they all do, eventually.

I was lonely,
So I found someone new;
Someone who isn't you
And I proved you right.
"Kelcey, you could do better";
I did...
Until it got worse,
And I got hurt.
So I found someone new again.

I was too noticeable,
Too loud,
And I wanted a change:
So I lost weight whilst joking about
The Sophomore (negative) 16;
How people notice weight drops more than they'll talk about gains.
How smoking and drinking curbs hunger
(the last one's no joke).
I became invisible (from the side)
And now I can't stand the constant pains,
The bump one thing and your bones scream;
The fact that everyone's encouraging me.

Monday, September 19, 2011

College low life.

And she said "Honey,
no one in the world knows you
Better";
She was talking about me
But I couldn't grasp that concept
Because I know I don't know myself
Like some people know the backroads by heart
And their lover like the palm of their hand.
You can't know yourself when you're a foreigner,
An alien in a body you don't belong to,
Or when you're an actress
Because it's easy and men like that.

And he said "Love,
Not all of us fit the stereotype";
He was talking about men,
But not you.
Because "not all men want you for the
Wrong reasons",
It's just the majority of them that do.
I just don't see patterns,
Or hear the pitter-patter
Of heart-break's creeping feet,
It just hit me:
You're quite a lot like Sharpie,
I've got to scrub you off.

And I said "No one
can spin words or
Play Games
Like I can";
But that was before,
When I was a goddess
Or thought I was because
They all wanted what I portrayed
And I had the "prettiest eyes and
Whitest teeth"
The best smile, laugh,
Biggest personality
But, in the end, they were all
Using me.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Thoughts.

I started thinking:
Maybe I can be the girl who smiles a lot,
Instead of the one who's always in her own head.
Maybe I could learn to let things go,
Including my laugh
(I always got compliments on it).
It wasn't my fault, what he intended,
Well, attempted, to do:
Words can only go so far through a phone line,
And his actions finally brought my worst fear to light...
I actually hurt someone.
Maybe I could try to sleep more,
It might make my face a little less dark;
Study more,
I'd like to go back to high school where
I was one of the best and brightest:
A real star.
I could eat more:
I'm losing weight in all the wrong places
And my bones poke out in the strangest angles
(It's unhealthy, this obsession I've acquired).
I might start drinking tea
(I've said this before);
I'll start following through.
I'll cut ties with the past:
Losses, heartaches and breaks;
Learn to live in today
Instead of the lonely bed of the past week.
I'll give people chances
Instead of just shoving them out after one problem...
We're all human,
And I'll finally start acting like it
When I undress myself before bed at night:
No longer looking at myself with
Foreign, judging eyes:
No more lies when it comes to my problem.
No more "I'm fine"s when I'm so clearly not.

I started thinking I could be someone deserving
Who's worth something,
Someone pretty, someone smart,
Someone who's anything but:

Pessimistic, unrealistic, voyeuristic...
Well, you get it.
(I'm obviously self-loathing)


But then I started asking myself:
Who exactly am I trying to change for?
And I'm not sure that the answer is even close to
"myself."

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Can't sleep, nightmares.

The wind's changed,
And the creamer doesn't bloom in my cups of coffee
Like it used to.
You've changed,
Or your heart has at least:
You're just not into it,
Into me...
I knew I'd never be enough to satiate that fire,
We fed on each other's desires
But sometimes things get to deep
And you have to leave or
You wind up being left.
That's okay, though,
Because like I said before:
"I'm here until you don't want me
And not a second more."



It just came too soon.

Monday, September 12, 2011

The things I've learned (part one)...

If you have dreams, follow them.
If you have hopes, don't fear being let down:
The rainbow does follow the rain,
And situations do improve with the passing days.
Time doesn't mend the broken heart,
But neither does isolation and trust issues,
And when people die, they stay with you forever
Even if the pain ebbs and you
Let yourself smile again.
You always blame yourself, even in times of least control,
No matter who says it's not your fault,
And that's just something you have to work through.
There are things that no one can help you with,
And that no one will understand:
Heartbreak is a person-specific feeling,
And while people can sympathize, expecting empathy is expecting too much.
It's okay to have expectations,
As well as it's okay to hold people accountable for not meeting yours:
But be careful of setting them too high.
Not everyone can reach the stars
And there are no perfect people.
Some people aren't made to live together,
Some people aren't good at relationships,
Some people are scared and some people are cowards:
As long as you try, no one can say you're a failure.
Except you.
You will always find fault with yourself:
In your thoughts,
Your actions; your words.
And while actions do, in some cases, speak louder than language ever can,
The things you do can be lies just as much as words can be false.
Some people are experts at fooling everyone,
And others can, and will, do whatever it takes to get on your good side,
Especially when their intentions are bad:
But it's not okay to push people away based on this.
Caution is key, but so is friendship and closeness and love.
No one ever found happiness by constantly keeping their guard up.
College is a place to act your age,
Unless you acted beyond your years prior to it,
And then it's a place to REALLY act your age.
Sometimes there won't be a single person who understands what you're trying to say;
Sometimes, that's your fault for not communicating well.
Brutal honesty is only brutal if you let it be:
We choose what hurts us, though some people shoot daggers on purpose.
Jokes are just jokes, until it gets offensive.
Being a female is a set back in some cases.
There will always be a coworker you can't stand,
And a boss who's "out to get you".

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Tomorrow always comes.

When you're out of words
Just say what you're thinking,
And if your thoughts are negative
Just call me pretty.
Let lies overcome reality,
No worries about fragilty:
None of it can harm me
Until tomorrow comes.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Bullshit.

I've been a shadow of myself,
Haunting the place for weeks
Acting okay
Because I'm good at it.
I haven't been eating,
I've been oversleeping.
And I know it's cliche of me to say,
But I'm back now.
That bitch is back,
And there's hell to pay for all parties involved.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

You know something's wrong when...

All the days blur together
And 12 PM feels just like 12 AM
Because you can't sleep at either of them.

You started to eat less
Because, at first, it was just about
Dropping five or fifteen pounds,
And now you rarely eat because you get sick
Every time you do.

You complained about being lonely,
And then started to make friends
And plans...
But then you backed out of all of it
Because you'd rather sit at home and wallow instead.

Friday, September 2, 2011

You never know how lonely you are until you actually realize that you're alone.

I liked you because we didn't need labels
We just were:
Much like the blue sky just was
And the ocean just flowed
When we were kids.
Nothing needed explanations then,
And I cherished the fact that we could be like the ocean
To a child, flowing freely
Unsurpassed in beauty, and feeling
Never needing or wanting,
Just knowing without thought, without words;
Without speaking...


But we were just pretending.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I can't come home until I'm a failure in no one's eyes but my own.

Moving was hard,
But staying seems harder,
Especially with all the pieces I left behind.
And people need me now,
More so than they did then -
Now, when I can't come be the shoulder
Their tears shed on
And the kind ear their problems spill out to.
So I send wayward spies to watch over
The ones I love
And cherish
And wish I could be there for:
Girls like me, who need girls like me to tell them that it DOES get better,
Eventually,
You just have to hold on
Until I come home
And can show you first-hand that things change.
But right now, I can't,
Because..
Well, they haven't.
Not for me anyway.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Invasive thoughts alwaysalwaysalways attack at nightfall.

I wish I could find the words
But I can't:
There are none.
And I used to be able to paint
When I couldn't speak;
Now my canvases remain blank, barren, off-white
Because no color can touch language
With deafening silence standing ominous guard
At misestimation's side
While the ghost of communication
Looks on with increasingly defeated eyes.

How can two people claim to know each other
When neither of them know anything at all?

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Leaving; return date TBA.

You asked me to choose, and I did:
It was just about everyone but you.
I chose my past, because it hurt a little less;
I chose my friends, because they were the ones who were there.
I chose to leave, because staying meant memories everywhere
And I had picked the songs that would drown them out long ago.
Myself, because I finally deserve better;
Him, because he did too, even just for the short time we were together.
Everyone else, because with as many people as there are in the world
They can't all be just like you.
Anyone else, because I'd rather start from scratch,
With someone completely new,
Than keep lying to myself about
Everything to do with you.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Less of a poem, but more thought than rhyme portrays.

Thirst doesn't fade,
But the alcohol runs dry
And this is the third night in a row
That I've purposefully gotten fuzzy
To drown out the memories
Of you, not him:
Because you're my current demon
And you don't even know
That you're affecting me like this.

I don't like to partake in excess,
But the drinks keep flowing out of this pitcher
And I'm real pretty
When I laugh with the power of
Liquid confidence coursing through my veins.

On the flip side,
Trick side,
Honesty goes away
When sobriety edges it's way through
The inebriation.
And I'm scared of myself when I'm sober,
So alcohol's more of a friend than you;
Especially when you make yourself a toy.

You'll never know any of this,
Unless you find where I hide my secrets.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Just go then.

I'll keep playing games
So you can keep pretending that you're the winner
But being scared doesn't qualify
As coming out on top:
It just keeps you grounded,
Stationary, 'fraidy cat terrified of the terrible
New World
And the greener grass that might be there
(because there's a chance that it really isn't better on the other side).

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

So we let go.

And they're just words, I know,
As well I know I had no right
To ask you to say them
But I needed it -
To relax
To breathe
To let that last inch free
Before ecstacy.
And yeah, they're just words,
But words are everything
When they have to be.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

There used to be stars in Hattiesburg and I keep staying up late hoping to see them again.

We fell asleep with hands intertwined
But I was thinking of something else
So I forgot to capture the moment -
Because thinking of something else is the one way
To not think of you
And that's not weird, no matter how many times you swear it is.
Sometimes I let my guard down though,
Like in the mornings when the sun comes through the blinds:
It makes your eyes sparkle and
The lighting makes your face look more welcoming than ever...
I guess this is the one place to which I can sing your praises
When I can't open my mouth to be more than a bitch any other time.
I get aggravated easily, perhaps you've noticed,
But it's only because I still feel as if
I'm not entitled to like you
Quite as much
As I do.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I grasp straws.

I crave the truth, need to know what's going on inside your head,
But I pretend it doesn't matter:
I play it cool, cucumber-esque
And you don't say anything
Because I don't ask the right questions -
I'm afraid I'll hear the wrong answers
Even though I'm not sure I know what the right ones would be.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Pure Moment.

I'm in this new place
And it doesn't smell like cigarettes
Or spilled vodka
Or coffee
Or you.
It doesn't even feel like you;
I'm not sure if this is good or not,
But I'll surely find out
Sometime within the next
12 months.

I still miss you,
This I do know.

Monday, July 25, 2011

I wrote this for you (my creative writing class).

Your eyes, and their habitability:
Earth-like worlds, full of mountain-tops and golden sands;
Crystal blue liquid water, ne'er a violent storm brewing between
Those brows placed perfectly on an energetic face.
My heart and these eruptions. O, explosions! Of love and things
That pain and sorrow cannot touch.
Tonight we are the only two stars in the galaxy
And, for once, being dwarfs isn't negative -
It is an e'er present reminder
That we are but particles:
Small, alien,
Not even a ripple in the ocean of our world
Yet we call it home
Because home is wherever your heart is
And we have each others:
Polar opposites are magnetic.
Quite the spectacle we'd be,
Though everything is distant
But that doesn't matter anymore.
All that does is what is,
And we are an aurora:
Making everything beautiful
One night at a time.

Loquacious is a word.

I've been begging for a change
So I started drinking my coffee
With less sugar
And I've contemplated picking up tea.
Not Southern, sweet tea
But real tea.
For culture.
Subtle shifts, yes,
Though it's the start of something.
After all, I can't write a short story, a poem,
Or even start the novel in my head
Without feeling nostalgic and weepy,
And pretending to be an artist is killing me
(my paintings were never what they should have been)
I'm proud of what I've done,
But it's never been great -
I'm not good enough to be a girlfriend,
And I've always been too hurt by that.
So I'll start drinking tea
And pretend to be alive.
I'll keep painting too,
Because I've obviously never been great
At giving things up, right?

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Problematic schematic, life.

Like you'll understand the thoughts in my head
Spinning vortexes and wild tornadoes
I'm good but never good enough
And you sit there and play the victim.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Candy.

I wonder how long it will take until
I start believing in the Southern peach sweet lies
That drip liquid sugar slow
From my sour cherry tongue.
How long before I start to invest in the
"I'm fine"'s and "Everything is Alright"'s
As opposed to just letting them soak into your mind...
Could I let them invade mine?
My mom always said that too much candy was bad for me;
Is that also how it works for lies?
I'd rather have rotten teeth than a ruined soul.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

So you say that no one knows how to disappear anymore?

I used to think it was simple
Back when I was 16 -
Just pack my bags and go,
But nothing's ever that easy.
Life throws curve balls and
It never follows your plans
Though no one seems to know
How to follow through with anything
Anymore
Anyway.
Except you and I, that is -
Fading from each other
Like snow melts from the earth
And leaves fall slowly from trees.
Our colors are changing
And the 800+ miles separating
Us are just becoming a wall;
Eventually not even words will
Be able to cross the distance
Because even language loses its meaning
Somewhere between 14 hours, two states,
And love that knew no bounds and
Then found some that it came to know
All too well.

Friday, July 8, 2011

The terrible thing about seeing someone new.

You get used to sleeping next to someone
And then you can't fall asleep when you're by yourself;
It's tragic.
Let's try not to get attached -
No one's ready for a relationship in this town
And who needs labels anyway?
They're for child's play
And we've grown up...
I think.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Something about walking away.

I never believed I could do it -
Leaving you stranded in my dust as I sped away
Wondering if
You might actually deserve this fate:
Losing the one thing that you cared about.
You called it payback
I guess you think I'm vindictive,
But I'm not.
This is just the reality of our lives,
The way they played out without us ending up together
Like I used to desperately hoped for;
I suppose it's something like walking away from
A ticking time-bomb that you somehow managed to diffuse
In the final seconds right before everything you knew
Exploded in your face.
Liberating, yet somehow knowing that I hurt you
Doesn't feel so great.



I know I did the right thing.  It's what had to happen, and I'm glad it finally did.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Battle.

I've lost weight, and at first it didn't really matter
Sure, I noticed and knew it was happening
But now I'm looking at myself in the mirror
Wearing a new bikini
And thinking
"Five more pounds or so, and I'd look spectacular".
This is where it gets dangerous -
Being predisposed to addictive habits:
Nicotine, alcohol,
Who's to say that weight-loss can't be one of them?
And it's not that I think I'm fat...
I just think I could be improved.
Everyone wants to be better than they are,
Right?

Monday, June 20, 2011

You just made my entire summer.

You're coming back for a visit
And I've been buzzing since it became official,
Not sure if my natural reaction to you being within arms-length
Is the correct one to have.
I've stopped caring, though,
I haven't been this excited in such a long time.
You're my best friend,
And just the idea of getting to see you
Puts me completely over the moon.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Love.

I like when it's midnight where you are; you're sleepy,
And you tell me you miss me in that quiet voice
It tugs at my heart-strings, and sounds familiar chords deep within
Aching bones
Guitar strings and song lyrics play in my dreams
And waking up is starting to get harder again
But it's all worth it, just to hear you say those words.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Happy 6 Months (or what would have been)

There's something you should know and
I'm so sorry but
I know nothing I say can
You please forgive me I
Didn't mean to let it go this far you
Know how much I miss you even though
You just simply left me here to deal with
Us it was so much different we
Could both feel it but
YOU left it not
Me and I've been
Thinking too much while
Inhaling too much nicotine when
The tears won't come because
Everything is compressed into
Myself and I can never
Let any of any of this out
In the open, that's where I want this at
Least I should tell you that the
Place where you and I, and our two hearts, meet is
The spot I'm looking for on these deserted streets while
You're there, and you know I'm hurting and
You know that
I'm feeling so
Anxious and heartbroken which
Adds up to this feeling
Of utter loneliness.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

<<|, | |, |>

I have to stop doing this to myself -
Believing that if I just DO the right combination of things
My life will come back together again.
And I don't mean moving on -
I mean getting my life BACK.
I want to relive late November, early December
And the months that followed,
Like a track on repeat
Except it would skip at April -
Just go back to the end of November
When everything was okay
And play again.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Leaky Eyes.

More to add to the list of things I can't tell you but that I can tell this blog
(You'll never actually read this stuff anyway)
I woke up this morning because I heard your voice say my name
Impossible, I know,
But it woke me, thankfully, before I was late to work...
And I thought you'd come back;
I was so excited.
Then I realized that 800 miles wouldn't have changed in 8 hours
And, of course, that I'm nothing to come back for anyway.

I really thought I was done crying over all of this.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Virtual [shift] + [,] 3

A video feed on my computer screen,
A voice on a phone line,
and a text message on my phone.
Those are the things you are to me now.
And I miss your eyes, looking into mine;
The feel of your skin pressed close at night time:
Your smile, your voice, your laugh -
I once possessed those.
And I think I'd give up anything
Everything?
Just to have it all again.
It's not like I have much left to lose anymore.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Unchanging, the world.

Back at home and nothing's changed,
But what did I expect?
Was the world supposed to be radically different simply because I am?
Or am I still the same?
The drive in was exciting, full of wonder -
How many of my old friends want to see me?
And then I remembered:
What friends?
I only had a sparse amount when I left
Two and a half weeks away hasn't changed that either.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

I want...

I want to write books
And fall in love.
Maybe I'd fall in love while writing books.
After all, I'd fall in love with your ghost, if it would offer even
A cent of comfort
In these dark times.
You were the universe, the beginning and the end
But I don't know where to start.
Every novel idea (see what I did there?)
Involves the past (I think you hated the hold it had on me),
And what came of it -
Including you.
I'm just scared of the future,
But you already know that.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

It's the little things.

It's the way the tears don't come anymore
And the way I can stop myself before your name slips past my lips at night
Like a thief in the dark, stealing my chances at being okay.
I'm finally starting to get angry at you, though I said I wouldn't -
I couldn't quite help it; you left me here after all
And you're just fine.
It's the way I can wake up in the mornings and only a flicker of hopelessness crosses my mind at you not being next to me;
The way I don't love you as loudly as I did when you first left,
I'm calmer about it than I was then
And I'm smiling a bit more each day.
No, I'm not okay - don't get your hopes up
Because yes, I'm still sad,
And I still miss you just as much;
I still love you, of course.
But everything is a bit quieter now -
Not silent, no, yet not near as deafening as it was.
And for that, I am grateful.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Truth.

I'm not sure what bothers me most - you being gone or the impregnated pauses;
The lulls in conversation and
That awkward gap in the shape of "iloveyou".
It's all replaced with haha's and hehe's
And it's all just starting to bother me.... a lot.
But that's not something I can tell you because
That's a topic we shy away from now.
I can't tell you that I've noticed that your smiley faces have changed
Or that I wake up in the middle of the night with my tongue forming the sounds that equal your name...
And I definitely can't tell you that tears come before sleep almost every night
Simply because my pillows don't feel like you and JayCub's "I love you" x2 just doesn't suffice.
But it's not just you, no, it's everyone else as well,
I can't tell you, or ANYONE, that I'm suffering through my own personal hell -
Nope, I have to go on laughing and joking and pretending that I'm okay
And I can't even tell YOU, my confidant, my best friend, my love, that I'm losing this battle every single fucking day.


And it's all because I don't want to mess up YOUR happiness.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Last night's dream.

I know you, she said, as the tears spilled out like the water-bearer I am,
You're just a jug overturned, not sure whether you're half full or empty;
You're the docile lamb that fell in love with all the wrong lions
And got eaten, devoured even
But you deserve better
And that barren desert of a heart, that no-man's land, it's still beating;
The blood that courses through you is fortified with the events of this life you've been leading,
And your body isn't cold -
You've still got a million chances
Though you won't take them because you're too scared.
You're just a caged bird who isn't really trapped - that door's wide open
And your wings aren't broken anymore, they've been mended
So what do you need?  A push, a jump, to get you started?
You look for comfort in all the wrong places
Rely on a million unreliable faces
When are you going to stop with the fairytale lines and the fantasy chases?
He's not coming back for you -
This is just your time, wasted.

I ignore it in sleep,
But then I wake up -
And on the table by my bed there's this stupid Styrofoam cup
Which makes me start to wonder
Am I really half-empty?
And if I am
How do I become
Half-full?

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Hattiesburg sans you.

I never noticed how cold the nights are in this bedroom when you were here
And these semi-barren walls, devoid of what we were, don't offer much comfort.
The only thing that calms me, between cigarettes and job hunting, is the idea that you're on the other end of a phone line
Just a few numbers and I can reach you,
But how long will that last?
I guess I should be thankful, somehow at least grateful
For everything that we had
Everyone expects me to be hopeful
And I'm really trying to be all of these things and more,
Though when I'm alone at night
I can't help but think about
How absolutely
Totally
And completely
Miserable
I am
Without you.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

You're going everywhere, and I'm just right here in hiding.

Everything is packed in your car -
All the pieces of you that I love, just not your smile.
That'll be the last thing to go
And it's honestly what I've been dreading most.
I shouldn't have come here pre-your leaving,
It's just killing me;
You see that it is too, I'm thinking,
Always trying to keep my teeth visible
And your eyes are always twinkling in my direction.


What's tearing me apart, though, are the words I haven't said -
I realized just last night,
So tired and sad and alone
That the one thing I never ever did was
To tell you, softly,
"please don't go..."

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Coping Mechanisms

I've been trying to remember how I coped in the past when bad things happened,
Then I realized that this situation defies the gravity
The others were controlled by.
I've tried to maintain my calm, and then got on the high-wire with some Ritalin -
Got a lot of shit done,
Tried to get real low, smoked a bowl and that only made me too sick to look at myself;
Productivity hit near level zero...
Pathetic, I'm just like him,
Grasping straws until my hands bleed.
Searching for everything that still eludes me,
Including meaning.
Who am I,
Where did my mind wander off to,
And how
The fuck
Do I
Get my shit
Together
And
Move
On
?

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Moving.

I'm supposed to be packing right now,
But I can't put things like memories in boxes
And I shouldn't take them with me
When all they do is kill me.
Right?


Question:  How am I supposed to let go?
Answer:  I can't.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Something about the world ending...

If words could clot the bleeding and phrases mend the broken heart,
I'd speak soliloquies -
I'm not looking for sympathy, just someone to look at me
And say, "you're not okay"
Then maybe, just maybe, I'd figure out how
To flip back upright this world of mine turned upside down;
I'd wipe away all the tears,
Get rid of this frown,
Throw away all my fears,
No longer let myself drown
Or something.
But no one seems willing to help a girl with her troubles -
They'd rather sell me out, take my pain and make double
Make everything on my plate just a bit more difficult to swallow
Destroy the foundation of my life with their hate-catapults and the rest always follows.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Up in the Air.

When I was way younger,
We had a swingset in our backyard
I used to love it
And then we got rid of it.
That's kind of how I view my childhood; sometimes it's how I see my life in general.
I have something,
I like it,
It's gone.
I suppose it's gotten easier to lose something,
Someone,
That I put all my time into...
Or maybe that's just what I show on the outside.
I know that inside I'm caving and crashing,
Emotional waves destroying me.
I'll be okay;
Losing "everything" will in no way kill me.
Things'll be difficult,
But for once, the pieces I have to pick up aren't fragments and shards.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

This is what it feels like.

Music ties me down, strings me up;
It pulls me in
And so should you.
The drum beats are getting louder -
I can hear an epiphany forming.
All this tension is going to explode,
Taking you or me or both
And I don't want to be the only one losing control.
Grab my hips, bite every inch
Of skin and kiss the freckles one by one;
Don't rush it, just take it slow
Let this chaotic sound build and build, let that pent up frustration show.
Unbutton my oxford and I'll fumble with that zipper
My head's all stars and we're in the cusp of the big dipper.
Tempting, teasing, feeling the sin -
This is the moment; it's how everything begins and ends.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

This is a familiar dance...

This is a familiar dance, and I suppose
That this is the moment where we start pretending to
Forget the steps -
As if banishing all those shared moments to
Our subconscious is even possible,
But we're cool so we give it that old college
touch-and-go
Try.
How am I to obliterate all of this from my memory;
Act like it's not your name settled on my tongue
When I first wake up
In the mornings?
And as if that's not enough, my numerous cups of coffee
Are starting to develop the peculiar taste of
Your skin in the shower and my own skin is
Beginning to develop more of those freckles that you loved.
How long will I take this constant mourning, the sun of it
Beating mercilessly on my back; these brown spots popping up
Over-night.
When am I going to start playing connect-the-dots like you used to?
The longer you're gone - the higher the chance that I might.

Monday, April 25, 2011

You remind me of you...

You remind me of you
& that fact alone makes me wonder what else I've
Forgotten about
These past few years.
"Help me!" I shout, only
I'm not sure your ears are any more tuned to hearing my
Shrill cries than a stranger's.
You look the same (perhaps a bit more weight?),
Though looks can be deceiving and it's hard to tell but
I think I've glimpsed a hint of shame
Upon your falsely high-brow, faux-elegant face...
Or should I say fa├žade?
You always were the great pretend-OR
Maybe, like everyone claims,
You've actually changed.
Wouldn't that be a surprise?


But I suppose that the real question is...
Have I?