Saturday, May 28, 2011

Virtual [shift] + [,] 3

A video feed on my computer screen,
A voice on a phone line,
and a text message on my phone.
Those are the things you are to me now.
And I miss your eyes, looking into mine;
The feel of your skin pressed close at night time:
Your smile, your voice, your laugh -
I once possessed those.
And I think I'd give up anything
Everything?
Just to have it all again.
It's not like I have much left to lose anymore.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Unchanging, the world.

Back at home and nothing's changed,
But what did I expect?
Was the world supposed to be radically different simply because I am?
Or am I still the same?
The drive in was exciting, full of wonder -
How many of my old friends want to see me?
And then I remembered:
What friends?
I only had a sparse amount when I left
Two and a half weeks away hasn't changed that either.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

I want...

I want to write books
And fall in love.
Maybe I'd fall in love while writing books.
After all, I'd fall in love with your ghost, if it would offer even
A cent of comfort
In these dark times.
You were the universe, the beginning and the end
But I don't know where to start.
Every novel idea (see what I did there?)
Involves the past (I think you hated the hold it had on me),
And what came of it -
Including you.
I'm just scared of the future,
But you already know that.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

It's the little things.

It's the way the tears don't come anymore
And the way I can stop myself before your name slips past my lips at night
Like a thief in the dark, stealing my chances at being okay.
I'm finally starting to get angry at you, though I said I wouldn't -
I couldn't quite help it; you left me here after all
And you're just fine.
It's the way I can wake up in the mornings and only a flicker of hopelessness crosses my mind at you not being next to me;
The way I don't love you as loudly as I did when you first left,
I'm calmer about it than I was then
And I'm smiling a bit more each day.
No, I'm not okay - don't get your hopes up
Because yes, I'm still sad,
And I still miss you just as much;
I still love you, of course.
But everything is a bit quieter now -
Not silent, no, yet not near as deafening as it was.
And for that, I am grateful.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Truth.

I'm not sure what bothers me most - you being gone or the impregnated pauses;
The lulls in conversation and
That awkward gap in the shape of "iloveyou".
It's all replaced with haha's and hehe's
And it's all just starting to bother me.... a lot.
But that's not something I can tell you because
That's a topic we shy away from now.
I can't tell you that I've noticed that your smiley faces have changed
Or that I wake up in the middle of the night with my tongue forming the sounds that equal your name...
And I definitely can't tell you that tears come before sleep almost every night
Simply because my pillows don't feel like you and JayCub's "I love you" x2 just doesn't suffice.
But it's not just you, no, it's everyone else as well,
I can't tell you, or ANYONE, that I'm suffering through my own personal hell -
Nope, I have to go on laughing and joking and pretending that I'm okay
And I can't even tell YOU, my confidant, my best friend, my love, that I'm losing this battle every single fucking day.


And it's all because I don't want to mess up YOUR happiness.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Last night's dream.

I know you, she said, as the tears spilled out like the water-bearer I am,
You're just a jug overturned, not sure whether you're half full or empty;
You're the docile lamb that fell in love with all the wrong lions
And got eaten, devoured even
But you deserve better
And that barren desert of a heart, that no-man's land, it's still beating;
The blood that courses through you is fortified with the events of this life you've been leading,
And your body isn't cold -
You've still got a million chances
Though you won't take them because you're too scared.
You're just a caged bird who isn't really trapped - that door's wide open
And your wings aren't broken anymore, they've been mended
So what do you need?  A push, a jump, to get you started?
You look for comfort in all the wrong places
Rely on a million unreliable faces
When are you going to stop with the fairytale lines and the fantasy chases?
He's not coming back for you -
This is just your time, wasted.

I ignore it in sleep,
But then I wake up -
And on the table by my bed there's this stupid Styrofoam cup
Which makes me start to wonder
Am I really half-empty?
And if I am
How do I become
Half-full?

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Hattiesburg sans you.

I never noticed how cold the nights are in this bedroom when you were here
And these semi-barren walls, devoid of what we were, don't offer much comfort.
The only thing that calms me, between cigarettes and job hunting, is the idea that you're on the other end of a phone line
Just a few numbers and I can reach you,
But how long will that last?
I guess I should be thankful, somehow at least grateful
For everything that we had
Everyone expects me to be hopeful
And I'm really trying to be all of these things and more,
Though when I'm alone at night
I can't help but think about
How absolutely
Totally
And completely
Miserable
I am
Without you.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

You're going everywhere, and I'm just right here in hiding.

Everything is packed in your car -
All the pieces of you that I love, just not your smile.
That'll be the last thing to go
And it's honestly what I've been dreading most.
I shouldn't have come here pre-your leaving,
It's just killing me;
You see that it is too, I'm thinking,
Always trying to keep my teeth visible
And your eyes are always twinkling in my direction.


What's tearing me apart, though, are the words I haven't said -
I realized just last night,
So tired and sad and alone
That the one thing I never ever did was
To tell you, softly,
"please don't go..."

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Coping Mechanisms

I've been trying to remember how I coped in the past when bad things happened,
Then I realized that this situation defies the gravity
The others were controlled by.
I've tried to maintain my calm, and then got on the high-wire with some Ritalin -
Got a lot of shit done,
Tried to get real low, smoked a bowl and that only made me too sick to look at myself;
Productivity hit near level zero...
Pathetic, I'm just like him,
Grasping straws until my hands bleed.
Searching for everything that still eludes me,
Including meaning.
Who am I,
Where did my mind wander off to,
And how
The fuck
Do I
Get my shit
Together
And
Move
On
?

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Moving.

I'm supposed to be packing right now,
But I can't put things like memories in boxes
And I shouldn't take them with me
When all they do is kill me.
Right?


Question:  How am I supposed to let go?
Answer:  I can't.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Something about the world ending...

If words could clot the bleeding and phrases mend the broken heart,
I'd speak soliloquies -
I'm not looking for sympathy, just someone to look at me
And say, "you're not okay"
Then maybe, just maybe, I'd figure out how
To flip back upright this world of mine turned upside down;
I'd wipe away all the tears,
Get rid of this frown,
Throw away all my fears,
No longer let myself drown
Or something.
But no one seems willing to help a girl with her troubles -
They'd rather sell me out, take my pain and make double
Make everything on my plate just a bit more difficult to swallow
Destroy the foundation of my life with their hate-catapults and the rest always follows.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Up in the Air.

When I was way younger,
We had a swingset in our backyard
I used to love it
And then we got rid of it.
That's kind of how I view my childhood; sometimes it's how I see my life in general.
I have something,
I like it,
It's gone.
I suppose it's gotten easier to lose something,
Someone,
That I put all my time into...
Or maybe that's just what I show on the outside.
I know that inside I'm caving and crashing,
Emotional waves destroying me.
I'll be okay;
Losing "everything" will in no way kill me.
Things'll be difficult,
But for once, the pieces I have to pick up aren't fragments and shards.