Thursday, September 29, 2011

What's the opposite of retrospect? Foresight or foreshadowing?

I'm constantly broke
And weird
And a bit of a pain in the ass.
I bite
And scream:
Pretty,
Obscene.
I'm up and down, a roller-coaster
With no end in sight,
I fight battles knowing I can't ever win.
Sometimes I can't get out of bed,
Especially when it's stormy
Because I hate thunder
And the power it holds over me.
I say things I can't explain, sometimes
And I'm incredibly shy, to an extent...


But if you're okay
With all of these things
Then you might just be worth the risk.

J.S.

Music reminds me of you
And certain songs are triggers
(I've figured that out, at least)
The nightmares came back the moment
I tried to sleep in my own bed again.
Why did I even answer that phone call?
4 AM on an already shitty night
And you called to say goodbye
For the last time;
We cried.

It wasn't my fault,
I didn't push you over the edge:
You took a running leap,
Away from me.
But you're still alive
(am I the reason for that?)
And you still haunt me
(I want to help you)
I was one of the reasons
(yet all I did was hurt you).

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Back in Town.

I've never been thirstier
For the company of others;
I'm rejuvenated,
Reinvigorated.
After a week of being away
From cares, worries, and obligations
I'm ready to dive in head-first,
To forgive the bullshit of a boy,
To go out and see places,
People,
DO things instead of just sit home
And wallow.
It's amazing,
All it took was an adventure,
A reminder,
A dose of what I used to have
To show me all that I COULD have.


Hattiesburg, USM, Best Buy,
Be ready.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Eat.

I was tired
So I got on a plane
And I flew away.
It was that simple:
Get in, get sick, get out.
White sands and blue waters await;
My feet are itching for new paces
On foreign pavements
And I know he'll miss me
Because they all do, eventually.

I was lonely,
So I found someone new;
Someone who isn't you
And I proved you right.
"Kelcey, you could do better";
I did...
Until it got worse,
And I got hurt.
So I found someone new again.

I was too noticeable,
Too loud,
And I wanted a change:
So I lost weight whilst joking about
The Sophomore (negative) 16;
How people notice weight drops more than they'll talk about gains.
How smoking and drinking curbs hunger
(the last one's no joke).
I became invisible (from the side)
And now I can't stand the constant pains,
The bump one thing and your bones scream;
The fact that everyone's encouraging me.

Monday, September 19, 2011

College low life.

And she said "Honey,
no one in the world knows you
Better";
She was talking about me
But I couldn't grasp that concept
Because I know I don't know myself
Like some people know the backroads by heart
And their lover like the palm of their hand.
You can't know yourself when you're a foreigner,
An alien in a body you don't belong to,
Or when you're an actress
Because it's easy and men like that.

And he said "Love,
Not all of us fit the stereotype";
He was talking about men,
But not you.
Because "not all men want you for the
Wrong reasons",
It's just the majority of them that do.
I just don't see patterns,
Or hear the pitter-patter
Of heart-break's creeping feet,
It just hit me:
You're quite a lot like Sharpie,
I've got to scrub you off.

And I said "No one
can spin words or
Play Games
Like I can";
But that was before,
When I was a goddess
Or thought I was because
They all wanted what I portrayed
And I had the "prettiest eyes and
Whitest teeth"
The best smile, laugh,
Biggest personality
But, in the end, they were all
Using me.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Thoughts.

I started thinking:
Maybe I can be the girl who smiles a lot,
Instead of the one who's always in her own head.
Maybe I could learn to let things go,
Including my laugh
(I always got compliments on it).
It wasn't my fault, what he intended,
Well, attempted, to do:
Words can only go so far through a phone line,
And his actions finally brought my worst fear to light...
I actually hurt someone.
Maybe I could try to sleep more,
It might make my face a little less dark;
Study more,
I'd like to go back to high school where
I was one of the best and brightest:
A real star.
I could eat more:
I'm losing weight in all the wrong places
And my bones poke out in the strangest angles
(It's unhealthy, this obsession I've acquired).
I might start drinking tea
(I've said this before);
I'll start following through.
I'll cut ties with the past:
Losses, heartaches and breaks;
Learn to live in today
Instead of the lonely bed of the past week.
I'll give people chances
Instead of just shoving them out after one problem...
We're all human,
And I'll finally start acting like it
When I undress myself before bed at night:
No longer looking at myself with
Foreign, judging eyes:
No more lies when it comes to my problem.
No more "I'm fine"s when I'm so clearly not.

I started thinking I could be someone deserving
Who's worth something,
Someone pretty, someone smart,
Someone who's anything but:

Pessimistic, unrealistic, voyeuristic...
Well, you get it.
(I'm obviously self-loathing)


But then I started asking myself:
Who exactly am I trying to change for?
And I'm not sure that the answer is even close to
"myself."

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Can't sleep, nightmares.

The wind's changed,
And the creamer doesn't bloom in my cups of coffee
Like it used to.
You've changed,
Or your heart has at least:
You're just not into it,
Into me...
I knew I'd never be enough to satiate that fire,
We fed on each other's desires
But sometimes things get to deep
And you have to leave or
You wind up being left.
That's okay, though,
Because like I said before:
"I'm here until you don't want me
And not a second more."



It just came too soon.

Monday, September 12, 2011

The things I've learned (part one)...

If you have dreams, follow them.
If you have hopes, don't fear being let down:
The rainbow does follow the rain,
And situations do improve with the passing days.
Time doesn't mend the broken heart,
But neither does isolation and trust issues,
And when people die, they stay with you forever
Even if the pain ebbs and you
Let yourself smile again.
You always blame yourself, even in times of least control,
No matter who says it's not your fault,
And that's just something you have to work through.
There are things that no one can help you with,
And that no one will understand:
Heartbreak is a person-specific feeling,
And while people can sympathize, expecting empathy is expecting too much.
It's okay to have expectations,
As well as it's okay to hold people accountable for not meeting yours:
But be careful of setting them too high.
Not everyone can reach the stars
And there are no perfect people.
Some people aren't made to live together,
Some people aren't good at relationships,
Some people are scared and some people are cowards:
As long as you try, no one can say you're a failure.
Except you.
You will always find fault with yourself:
In your thoughts,
Your actions; your words.
And while actions do, in some cases, speak louder than language ever can,
The things you do can be lies just as much as words can be false.
Some people are experts at fooling everyone,
And others can, and will, do whatever it takes to get on your good side,
Especially when their intentions are bad:
But it's not okay to push people away based on this.
Caution is key, but so is friendship and closeness and love.
No one ever found happiness by constantly keeping their guard up.
College is a place to act your age,
Unless you acted beyond your years prior to it,
And then it's a place to REALLY act your age.
Sometimes there won't be a single person who understands what you're trying to say;
Sometimes, that's your fault for not communicating well.
Brutal honesty is only brutal if you let it be:
We choose what hurts us, though some people shoot daggers on purpose.
Jokes are just jokes, until it gets offensive.
Being a female is a set back in some cases.
There will always be a coworker you can't stand,
And a boss who's "out to get you".

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Tomorrow always comes.

When you're out of words
Just say what you're thinking,
And if your thoughts are negative
Just call me pretty.
Let lies overcome reality,
No worries about fragilty:
None of it can harm me
Until tomorrow comes.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Bullshit.

I've been a shadow of myself,
Haunting the place for weeks
Acting okay
Because I'm good at it.
I haven't been eating,
I've been oversleeping.
And I know it's cliche of me to say,
But I'm back now.
That bitch is back,
And there's hell to pay for all parties involved.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

You know something's wrong when...

All the days blur together
And 12 PM feels just like 12 AM
Because you can't sleep at either of them.

You started to eat less
Because, at first, it was just about
Dropping five or fifteen pounds,
And now you rarely eat because you get sick
Every time you do.

You complained about being lonely,
And then started to make friends
And plans...
But then you backed out of all of it
Because you'd rather sit at home and wallow instead.

Friday, September 2, 2011

You never know how lonely you are until you actually realize that you're alone.

I liked you because we didn't need labels
We just were:
Much like the blue sky just was
And the ocean just flowed
When we were kids.
Nothing needed explanations then,
And I cherished the fact that we could be like the ocean
To a child, flowing freely
Unsurpassed in beauty, and feeling
Never needing or wanting,
Just knowing without thought, without words;
Without speaking...


But we were just pretending.