Saturday, September 17, 2011

Thoughts.

I started thinking:
Maybe I can be the girl who smiles a lot,
Instead of the one who's always in her own head.
Maybe I could learn to let things go,
Including my laugh
(I always got compliments on it).
It wasn't my fault, what he intended,
Well, attempted, to do:
Words can only go so far through a phone line,
And his actions finally brought my worst fear to light...
I actually hurt someone.
Maybe I could try to sleep more,
It might make my face a little less dark;
Study more,
I'd like to go back to high school where
I was one of the best and brightest:
A real star.
I could eat more:
I'm losing weight in all the wrong places
And my bones poke out in the strangest angles
(It's unhealthy, this obsession I've acquired).
I might start drinking tea
(I've said this before);
I'll start following through.
I'll cut ties with the past:
Losses, heartaches and breaks;
Learn to live in today
Instead of the lonely bed of the past week.
I'll give people chances
Instead of just shoving them out after one problem...
We're all human,
And I'll finally start acting like it
When I undress myself before bed at night:
No longer looking at myself with
Foreign, judging eyes:
No more lies when it comes to my problem.
No more "I'm fine"s when I'm so clearly not.

I started thinking I could be someone deserving
Who's worth something,
Someone pretty, someone smart,
Someone who's anything but:

Pessimistic, unrealistic, voyeuristic...
Well, you get it.
(I'm obviously self-loathing)


But then I started asking myself:
Who exactly am I trying to change for?
And I'm not sure that the answer is even close to
"myself."

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