Friday, October 21, 2011

The truth always outs itself.

Just tell me it's okay,
Even if it's lies
Because hearing you say those words
Is the only way I'm falling asleep tonight.
And when my world is crumbling down,
Hold me fast and tight
Because when nothing else can hold me up
You're gonna have to be the one
To make me alright.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Too young to feel this way.

I don't quite know what I'm doing:
I'm roaming, looking for a niche
To claim as my own.
I'm sick of living on the edge of my own life,
Dodging experience; ready to flee
In the blink of an eye.
And I'm on the brink of a
Breakdown
Because I can't separate
Between fact and fiction
And there's no distinction between days
When they're all the same.
It's all a weight:
A blur of work and sleep
And sometimes being awake enough
To worry about my ever-approaching
Expiration dates.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Save me?

I'm beginning to think
Dark shadow figures are
Tricking me
Even in reality;
I'm starting to hate myself,
And that'll lead to worse.

Friday, October 14, 2011

It's been almost a month, and you still haunt me.

I think I still love you,
Even after you threw me into a pit of
Fiery self-blame for
Actions that were entirely selfish.
(I didn't force your hands and throat to act on impulse)
But the blissful ignorance of childhood
Is gone
And you're no longer a Hercules-like God:
You're not so strong as I once
Made you out to be.
I've learned that loving you blindly
Is akin to holding favor with a demon;
You'll take a stab as soon as my back's turned
And blame it all on me.
Because your actions obviously had nothing to do
With my decisions:
You're innocent.
Yeahhhh, right.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Paranoid Fears

My watches are always hours off,
And if I believed in symbols; signs,
I'd say that meant something.
But it doesn't,
And I can't tell time anyway.
All I know is that every second
Is another second of waiting
For something to happen.

I think I'm supposed to meet someone soon,
Someone who's to change my life
For better or worse.
I might've already met him,
And he just hasn't realized, yet, that I'm the one
He's been looking forward to.

I want to be someone's breath of fresh air,
An ear to all their troubles
But I can't get my mouth to speak to people.
I'm so afraid the horrors of the past 19 years
Will leak out
And ruin everything again.

Monday, October 10, 2011

the Past, the Present, and the Pretense of feelings.

& I'm listening to Jack's Mannequin,
Blink;
Singing the songs that used to paint our nights
Together.
Attempting to piece back together a puzzle
Of tears and aches,
Heartbreak and lies;
Trying to make sense of all the spider webs that still tie
Us to each other.
"Oh what tangled webs
We weave"
Has never made more sense
Than right now
And trying to extract myself
Is proving to be a difficult task,
Especially when I can't interpret the intentions
Of others.

& everyone hurts someone,
Even when they don't try.
Because you remind me of everyone else
Scarier: you remind me of myself;
If I don't understand the way I tick
I'll never be able to diffuse the bomb that is you.
Waiting to explode at any second,
And you're more than willing
To drag other people down too.
Including me.

& I think I like it,
That's what's awful.
And I think I like you,
But I've never been good
At separating feelings
From force.
I could, I know that,
But I've failed at everything else.
So why even try?
"Loving someone
Is jumping into a pool full
Of glass shards
& expecting not to get cut up."
But you always do,
And there aren't enough bandaids in the world
To cover all the wounds.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Past habits repeat and form new addictions.

I've been researching perfection
Using my own body.
How far can I stretch the limits
Of my skin
Over worn out bones?
So used,
It's sad
But necessary.
And every inch and pound gone
Is like a weight being lifted.
"Are you trying to get smaller?"
No, I'm just trying not to eat...
As much.
And I'm living on coffee;
Nicotine -
It's just like high school.
Only this time,
No one's noticed a thing.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Someone needs to come piece me back together so I can go ahead and shatter again.

How many "rock bottom"s can there be
Until I break even
And things just climb up?
I've hit so many
That even a painstaking crawl towards sunlight
Would suffice.
But I get nothing,
And Hattiesburg is quickly becoming
My own failed experiment.
Like his:
Except I've no one to run to
And no one to cover my expenses.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Calender days dripping away, and college is a bad nightmare blur.

There is no pain,
Just weakness that leaves the body
And I've got plenty
But I pretend I'm alright.
And I lie to him
And her
And my friends
About how well I'm doing in school,
At work,
I'm making friends,
But it's more like I'm adding to a collection
Of has-beens.
And my mind is tabula rasa blank,
Because John Locke was right
And I'm getting facts messed up
When everything used to be so organized
And there are no more light bulbs going off
Or ideas blazing
Because they're all in pieces on the floor
And I'm expected to sweep them up,
But it's not simply because I'm a woman:
It's because it's what I've always done before.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Flowers.

It's October already,
But this morning felt like late November
Of last year.
Almost exactly like the first time I came to Hattiesburg
To see Zac romantically, a way in which I never thought I would.
And my first cigarette of the day tasted like the first ride up here
When an old friend said:
"You know, you jump around a lot"
Because, in the beginning of my reputation's end
I'd almost ended up with him.
And I knew he held everything he'd heard against me,
But I fought the statement valiantly:
"I'm just trying to prove that you men aren't all the same," I said as the moonlight played
Shadows on my tired face, and my cigarette burned brightly in the passenger seat of the Caddie,
"judging by experience, it seems that you all want the same thing."
He asked what that thing was, already knowing my answer
And I told him what had happened to me
The first
Second, third
Every time;
I told him the line that has become my slogan,
My fall-back answer for why I don't date:
"I'm good enough to sleep with, yes,
But to commit to? Never."
No one wants to spend an eternity,
Or even a false-promise of forever
With me.
That's okay, though, because that's not quite what I'm looking for.


I just want something to settle into for a little while,
And if it happens to turn into quite a while,
Or even a long time,
You won't find me complaining
At all.